Letter to my three fair-skinned sons
My dear boys,
These past few weeks have yet again reminded us that we live in a very broken world. We’ve seen the worst kind of anger, fear, and hate demonstrated and it is heartbreaking. And yet, our hearts have often become numb to the brokenness because it happens so often. We see an event in the news and we react in shock with “how could this happen?” We fight, we blame and then we give up because we believe the problem is too big for us. We go back to life as usual until the next event. And so on and so on.
So why am I writing you this letter?
Let me first remind you of how much I love you; how proud I am of you and how grateful I am to be your father. It’s a gift that I could never have imagined. As much I relish the fun of being your dad, I’m also reminded of the huge responsibility I have to help shape you to become men of courage, compassion, integrity, and strength. I already see glimpses of these qualities in you in how hard you work in school and sports, in how you love each other and our family, and in the manner in which you love those in our community, school, church, and neighborhood. Yet, the events over the past few weeks reveal to me that there is so much more I have to impart to you.
The problem is …. I feel so inadequate to teach you in this area because I have so much to learn myself. I am so broken in this area. However, I HAVE to do the best I can to help you, because the brokenness of the world demands it. If I ignore the need for growth in your lives as well as my own, the consequences are dire.
So please hear me out.
Through no choice, ability, or merit of your own, you were born with certain privileges...just by the fact that you have light skin. You did not earn this or deserve this privilege, but nonetheless you have it. I say this NOT so you will feel guilty or ashamed of this undeserved gift. Instead, I want you to understand this gift of privilege, really own it, and use it for good.
You must realize that many of the people you pass on the sidewalk, interact with at the store or restaurant, or relate to at school don’t have the freedoms and choices that you have. They cannot go for a walk in the park with an assurance that someone won’t see them as “dangerous”. They can’t enter a classroom and know that the teacher will automatically assume they are smart and a good student. They can’t hail a taxi and know that the driver didn’t for a second consider passing them by. They can’t laugh loudly and mess around with their friends without someone thinking “those boys are up to no good.”
So why do you get to navigate life without any of these concerns? Because of your skin color. That’s it.
It’s wrong. We can all say it’s wrong. But living the fact that it’s wrong is much harder. But you can. You have to. I have to as well. And while I don’t expect you to change the world, I do expect and hope that you will change YOUR world. Here are just a few thoughts I have on how to begin:
Look at everyone with whom you interact in the eyes. Acknowledge them and make sure they are seen. Every person deserves to be seen.
Get better and better at noticing when you assume something about someone without knowing them or their story. When your initial reaction is frustration or disgust, be quick to catch that thought and replace it with a question of ‘why’. You have no idea the burden that a person has been carrying.
Listen. Listen. Listen. You can do so much good in your world by listening first. Our privilege tends to shut our ears off. Fight against that. listen!
Intentionally seek friends and interactions with people who are different than you. This is something that won’t just naturally happen. You need to make it happen. You can learn so much about the world ….and yourself…through relationships with those who don’t have similar reflections in a mirror as you.
Read books written from backgrounds and perspectives very different than yours. Be curious..constantly…about what it’s like to walk in someone else’s shoes…or live in their skin. This can help to open up your mind and your heart to others.
Don’t let the news make you think that what you’re doing doesn’t matter. It makes a difference. This is how we begin to change the current of this mighty river. We look upstream We plant one foot in the muddy soil beneath us, lean into the current and push against it one step at a time.
Boys, I am on this journey with you. I apologize in advance because I am not and will not always be a great example of what I am asking of you. But I am committing to doing my very best to be different too. We don’t have a choice.
I think the three of you are amazing. You challenge me, make me laugh, and remind me of how grateful I need to be. Thank you for the awesome and daunting privilege of being your dad.
I close this letter with a reminder:
Never forget that God made you special and unique….but He didn’t make you “better”.
I love you more than words,
Daddy
